Grandparents: Where else would you get money?

I think we should continue with the whole “family” theme and talk about two of the most insane people on earth: my grandparents… Jeanette Smith (formerly Jeanette Galvin): a foul-mouthed Catholic devotee who has ridden camels in Israel …and Paul Smith: by far the loudest most outspoken Irish New Yorker ever born.

The two love birds live in a quaint little house in New Jersey… and have lived in the town for 40+ years. They refuse to leave. And some of their children refuse to leave, (my mom thankfully escaped the vicious cycle), AND many of their children’s children refuse to leave! (I know you’re reading this Kitty… take the leap, take it!)

Yesterday in the mail I received four new religious charms from Grandma. You may be thinking… “Oh, that’s so sweet!” But no… it’s not sweet… not when you’ve received the blessed little trinkets multiple times a year for your entire life! I think that I’ve amassed enough crosses to be nominated for sainthood.

Every Christmas my stocking at Grandma’s house consists of the following… socks, a slinky, $$ (woohooo), travel lotion samples and religious paraphernalia. Over the years I have probably received about 15 rosaries, 25 religious charms, 25 holy cards and 1,684,329 bottles of Holy water.

When my Grandpa decided to splurge and buy a satellite TV for their little love nest, my Grandma was appalled to find that Papa had been watching some risqué porn channels. In response, Grandma made a little sign and hung it above Papa’s TV… “Would you watch this channel with Jesus?”

Papa… (A.K.A. Sunny, Yoda & Fuzzy)… grew up on butter and sugar sandwiches and will gladly recount to any willing listener his animated life story. A salesman through & through, Papa has massive skin cancer (that recently spread to his lungs)… but has the lowest cholesterol of any 84 year old man in the US… (despite a life-long diet of cake, cookies & donuts).

The sweetest, most inspirational thing about my Grandma is the way she raised her children. Even to this day, Grandma is so sweet and loving to her daughters, (a recent conversation with my mom: “Maryellen, you look so fat. What happened?”) She respects them so much and cherishes every gift they ever gave her… (She returns everything, EVERYTHING, and never holds back her opinion… “Why the hell did you buy me this? You actually thought I would like it?”)

The most memorable thing about Papa is his unique tendency to mispronounce everything… (ex. Maggiano’s is Manganeros, McLean is McLeeeen)… he also tends to add an “s” to everything… (ex. “Let’s go to Blockbusters!” or “Who wants waffles at the Diners?”)

Although they could be admitted for a number of reasons, my grandparents are truly fantastic people. They spoil their grandchildren to death and always remind us that we are perfect little miracles. Forever in their minds, I will always be the Princess. I still sign my letters to them with a tiara… all hail!