"Destiny"

I was helping out my Mom this morning by washing the heaping pile of dishes in our kitchen sink. She was standing several feet away getting an early start on dinner… (She was making her signature Italian specialty: eggplant parmesan… deeelicious!)

We weren’t really talking… just minding our own business and concentrating on our tasks at hand. Completely out of the blue, she decides to ask me a question…

Mom: “Hey Hills, do you believe in destiny?”…. (Long awkward pause)

Me: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Mom: “You know… fate, the Lord’s plan, our ultimate goals and dreams.”

Me: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Mom: “Like in Slumdog Millionaire… how the boy keeps telling the girl that she is his one and only destiny!”

Me: “Did I do something wrong?”

Mom: “How some things are just meant to be… How life throws you obstacles that eventually turn into the most wondering, enriching experiences.”

Me: “Are you divorcing Dad?”

Mom: “Oh destiny, sweet destiny… Hey, let’s go see a movie!!”

Me: “Umm… okay??… I sort of have homework but...”

Mom: “GREAT! Get your coat… Girls Day woohoo!”

We then left the house… thus ending the whole “destiny” conversation. What do you think was the “destiny” of Mom’s little outburst? Is she divorcing my Dad? Is she reading my diary? Was she drunk at 11:00 am!?

Whatever the case… she’s absolutely nuts! I finally told her that I’ve started writing a book… “What I’ve Learned From My Mother: The Wisdom, Advice and Outbursts of Maryellen Leister”... if any of you have other title ideas, (or have experienced the wisdom of my mother), you are more than welcome to contribute!

Childhood Indulgences

Someone very “wise” once told me that I was struggling with “unfinished business” from my childhood and was holding onto the past which was preventing me from fully embracing the incredible joys of independent adulthood.

WELL, “sage of wisdom,” while you are usually full of bull-shit…you’re right about this one… I am TOTALLY rebelling against becoming a grown-up... and I really must ask: why wouldn’t I rebel? … My childhood was flat-out awesome…and my current situation is pretty damn sweet!

Kids around America are growing up WAY too fast these days. What’s with all the rush to drop out of school, get pregnant at 15 and end up with piles of bills and no career opportunities? Personally: if my parental units are willing to hold my hand & pay my health insurance… I’m going to cherish that offer like my life depended on it! (Literally)

For all of you readers who are also young-at-heart, I have compiled a list of childhood pleasures & indulgences that you are still fully-entitled to enjoy after flying from the nest and claiming your independence…

1) Sleepovers: Back then… hyperactive kids (all of the same gender) in princess/action figure pajamas pigging-out on junk-food and playing truth-or-dare until sunrise. Now… drunken and/or horny individuals wearing the same outfit they wore that day (or nothing) while drowning the keg and playing beer-pong until they can no longer see the cups.
2) Sugary Cereals: I am pretty sure that THE Andrew Gerard Leister, (physics genius and math extraordinaire), eats Cap’n Crunch Berries, Honeycomb or Pop-tarts almost every morning for breakfast. If he can eat little balls of artificially-flavored sugar and still pull off a 4.0 GPA, anyone can!
3) Goodie Bags: Admit it… these joyful tokens of greatness were the only reason you ever went to the ugly, annoying & obnoxious kids’ birthday parties. Who says that you still can’t enjoy them!?... Instead of bouncy balls, lollipops and stickers... Offer your guests (or beg your hostess for) aromatic candles, cute picture frames, homemade baked-goods or mini-cocktail mixers!
4) Valentines: Handing out Valentines in your 20s is SO much better than handing them out in grade school… Why? Because you can actually pick and choose who you want to give them to! There is no longer a “school rule” that you have to make one for every single classmate, (even the kids you never talked to). Example: My friend Trey decked out some awesome Valentines this year… elegant and sophisticated on high-quality stationary… (Keep the cartoon characters to a minimum people)… now go make someone’s day!
5) 90’s pop music: N’sync, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, S Club 7, Ricky Martin, Hanson... etc. etc. the list goes on… Here’s the secret: What people can’t hear, can’t hurt ‘em!! Just plug in those headphones and listen to any damn song you want… Does “Mmbop” really get you moving during a hard workout? Blast that fucker! Who has to know?

The Lovely Insights of Maryellen

Just moments ago I had an interesting conversation with my mother. No, interesting is not the right word… I’ll just say this: Our little chat was unusual, inappropriate, disturbing, TMI and somewhat scarring.

Don’t get me wrong… It’s not like dear old Mommy hasn’t scarred me before with her “kind” and “loving” words. This time was just more of a… “shoot me now” situation.

The dialogue went something like this…

Me: “Oh Momsical (sob sob)… I hate my life, College is so hard, I’m so fat, People are mean, HUG me KISS me LOVE me MOM!!” etc. etc.

Mom: “Oh Hilsey… you’re just targeting your emotions in the wrong direction. What’s really bothering you? Blah, Blah, Blah...” etc. etc.

Me: “Oh Moooomsey, you’re so wise. How are you so perfect in every way?” (sob sob)

Mom: “STOP WIPING YOUR SNOT ON MY SHIRT!!”

Me: “Oh, sorry Mama. I’m just such a mess. I have no control over anything in my life!” (sob sob)

Mom: “YOU’RE TOUCHING ME!!... (I back off)… Thank you. Now darling, let me give you a little lesson in controlling your surroundings. I will use your father as an example.”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “When I first met your father about 25 years ago, he was a NERD. His furniture was tacky. Every piece of clothing in his wardrobe was brown. I knew that some tweaking had to be done.”

Me: “Mom! You are a horrible influence. I would NEVER try to change someone like that! How is this even related to our conversation?”

Mom: “I wasn’t trying to change him sweet daughter… I was just, you know, Spring Cleaning (HeHeHe)... Now, one day I was vacuuming his apartment and “accidentally” knocked over his dice lamp… (HeHeHe)… & thank goodness the next day was garbage day, because I was able to throw out that piece of crap… as well as half his horrible wardrobe! (HeHeHe)”

Me: “MOM! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!”

Mom: “It was easy dear. I just took him shopping the next day and made him try on this stylish white shirt that looked absolutely gorgeous on him. I told him how sexy it made him look and how much it just made me want to RIP his clothes off.... He bought four of them!”

Me: “AAAAAAHHHHHH…. TMI, TMI, TMI…”

And then Dad walked into the room… wearing a white shirt. I don’t think that I'll be able to look at either one of them for several weeks. If anyone wants to let me bum on their couch, please let me know. I appreciate all of your sympathies.

-One Highly Disturbed Hilary

Miss America: My new BFF

Last night was pretty normal…pretty low-key. I basically just chilled out and had a heart-to-heart with MISS AMERICA!!

The beautiful Kirsten Haglund, crowned Miss America on January 26, 2008, came to my school last night to speak about her personal struggle with anorexia in light of Eating Disorder Awareness Week: February 22-28.

Me and two buddies sat and listened to Kirsten’s story for about an hour and were educated about the dangers and health risks that eating disorders can cause. Did you know that 1 in 5 U.S. women suffer from some sort of eating disorder? Were you aware that 10% of all eating disordered patients are male?

Incredibly poised and cute as a button, Kirsten entertained students and faculty talking about her passion for ballet, her new-found appreciation for food and her rocky but successful path to recovery.

I can only recall one major “blonde” moment during her presentation… While describing the Miss America pageant, Kirsten said that the other contestants were “way more prepareder than [she] was”… (Kirsten, you’re so silly!)

After her presentation, “VIP” audience members with “VIP” tickets were invited to attend an “after party” where they could speak with Kirsten personally and enjoy free snacks and beverages. (The cheese cubes were $)… When Kirsten walked through the door, I immediately grabbed her attention… (I’m quite assertive)…and dove into a deep conversation with her about her recovery from anorexia and her amazing reign as Miss America. Major plus: She totally laughed at my jokes… what a winner!

Me and Kirsten… we’re pretty tight. We chatted and gossiped about all of her celebrity friends, (She’s buddy-buddy with Karina Smirnoff), and all of the famous people she met in 2008… (George W. Bush, Marcia Cross, Colin Firth, the JONAS BROTHERS!!)

Now that I’m officially jealous of my new BFF and have developed a profound respect for tiaras, I am proud to announce that I, Hilary Leister, will be running for Miss America in 2010.

No time to waste guys… I have to go work on my talent (wiggling my nostrils) and take some notes on Sandra Bullock’s s Miss Congeniality pageant wave… “All I want is World Peace!!”

Great Show: Awkward Interview

Last night I went to review an amazing show for my school paper called "A Bronx Tale," an entertaining Broadway play starring one man, Chazz Palminteri, who recounts his experiences growing up in gangster-ridden New York City as an Italian in the 1960s.

The show combines hysterical one-liners with serious motifs such as love, wisdom, loyalty and integrity. Palminteri captivates viewers with his animated portrayals of his childhood friends and gangster role models.

But enough about the play... let's talk about my pre-show experience: I left for the theater a little early because of my "occasional" tendency to get lost while driving through the city... OK, fine... I get lost everywhere! (I personally blame the retards at Mapquest)

Anyways... I had a bit of time to kill so I planted my tooshie in a cozy booth at a food court across the street from the theater. I bought myself a drink, broke out some homework and hit the books!

Approximately ten feet away from my booth sat a nerdy-looking man and an unattractive woman. I couldn't help but to eavesdrop on their conversation because of the man's uncomfortably high voice. They were both dressed in fancy work clothes and the woman was clearly in control of the conversation. After hearing the woman ask the man what his weaknesses were, I knew that I was spying on a very awkward yet seriously entertaining interview.

The poor guy's leg was shaking & he had no idea how to respond when the woman asked him..."How would your best friends describe you?" In response to his shyness, the woman was VERY talkative... and extremely boring. I laughed watching the guy fake an interested smile as the woman described every one of her mother's favorite recipes... (1- wtf?... 2- How the hell is that related to work?)

The man continued to nod his head and ungracefully laugh as the woman talked about her weekly drunken escapades around the city... (it was all very professional)... She went on to tell the dude about her bike ride last weekend, her sick grandma in Philadelphia and her bitchy roommate that ate all her low-fat Wheat Thins yesterday.

The entire situation made me realize that if an idiot like that could hold a job in this economy... I surely will have no problem getting hired after graduation! So morons: I beg you to keep on doing what you do best. Keep on making stupid comments so that newbies like me can steal your jobs in the near future... thanks much :)

Pick-Me-Up Buttercup!

I spilled my coffee/cocoa this morning all over my puffy white jacket. I then walked over to the gym to build-up some endorphins and got stuck with the crappy corner treadmill. Post-workout, I decided to go down and eat some lunch in the school cafeteria… I am now experiencing a massive stomach ache.

It is definitely, DEFINITELY not the worst day of my life… but clearly, it could be better. Sometimes it’s just the little nit-picky weekday downers that put a damper on my overall mood. In order to prevent these disappointments from ruining my day, I turn to the following pick-me-ups to keep me sane, focused, perky and motivated…

1) Retail Therapy: Whether I’m recklessly swiping the parental’s credit card or simply browsing through a store… shopping-shopping-shopping is an amazing mood-lifter! Reading Hallmark cards, trying on sexy lingerie, buying a new pair of shoes or even purchasing new shampoo are all perfect ways to find your smile again :)
2) Fmylife.com: You think YOU’RE having a bad day? Check out this hysterical website where visitors are invited to vent about their horrible, embarrassing and unlucky encounters. You’ll log-off feeling incredibly grateful that your life sucks less than that other guy.
3) Routine Endorphisizing: (AKA- jogging)… Scientists aren’t lying to you. Regular exercise really does help to eliminate sadness, anger, frustration and any other unwanted emotions. Blast your iPod while running down the street, working the elliptical and pumping iron. You’ll get your blood flowing and tighten your sexy buns!
4) Self-service candy counters: My school’s on-campus mini-mart offers a top-notch variety of goodies located along its “Help Yourself” wall. Just grab a plastic bag and stuff it chock-full of whatever tasty treats you’re craving. My favorites: chocolate-covered pretzels, Swedish fish, Sweet-caramel trail mix and dried pineapple. (Sure, you might feel gross after stuffing your face… but the sugar-high is fantastic!)
5) Writing “Life’s A Musical” blog posts: Awwwwwwww… (Yup, I said it!) I truly look forward to creatively forming these delightful posts for your enjoyment. Keep on reading… & please feel free to share with me your own mood-lifting strategies!

My Wish List

Even though I occasionally make superficial judgments, (mostly through sarcastic comments), I can confidently say that I am NOT a materialistic lady.

However... I can't deny the unfortunate fact that I live in a town overflowing with silk, suede & leather. Adjacent to my "inner-frugality" is an annoying little reflex brought on by environmental pressure. That irritating nugget likes to subtly whisper in my ear... "Buy, Buy, Buy!"

Ergo: I'm going to let the lion out of its cage for five minutes and share with you my wish list... a selfish assemblage of items that my little nugget has been asking for lately. If you so desire to grant any of my wonderful wishes, I'm afraid that I would not be able to reject your kindness :)

*Extreme Wish List: (AKA- In My Dreams!)

1) An internship at People Magazine with a guaranteed job offer after graduation: If any of you could land this position for me, I would happily be your faithful servant for all eternity.
2) My own apartment in the city: I'm not asking for a freaking penthouse... but something with a balcony would be nice :)... You could also throw in a Pottery Barn giftcard... (Target would also suffice)
3) A trip to Disney World with private reservations in the Cinderella Castle suite: This isn't just a wish, it's a life-long dream! (p.s. an internship at Disney would be pretty nice... contacts? anyone?)
4) The new MacBook Air: My current IBM Thinkpad is going to kick the bucket any day. This new Mac has an integrated graphics processor and multi-touch technology. It only weighs three pounds and is constructed with sturdy anodized aluminum.

*Realistic Wish List: (Your perfect opportunity to make my day!)

1) The electronic journal from "Read it and Weep": This movie's main character had the coolest high-tech journal I've ever seen. I've been unsuccessfully searching for it since seeing the movie early last year. Find this for me and you'll receive an obnoxiously enormous IOU!
2) Prince Caspian on DVD: Hot actors, cute story, I want it! Looking for an easy way to make it on my "good" list? Buy me some Narnia... yeah Aslan!
3) A professional journalistic recorder: A crucial reporting tool that I have been too lazy/busy to purchase. Honestly, it's more of a need than a want. Help me out and boost my career :)
4) Strawberry Delights: (see picture) This candy has literally gone extinct. Once in a blue moon I will find them stashed in a restaurant's mint dish or hidden on the back shelves of CVS. Their sweet fruity flavor is absolutely amazing. Just like Lucky Charms... they are "magically delicious!"

Thank you faithful readers, and happy shopping!

The Stolen Postcard

As many of you know, I recently got an internship at Post Secret... an awesome program where people from around the world write their secrets on 4x6 postcards and mail them to the house of Frank Warren, (the Post Secret author), where they could potentially be posted on his blog or published in his best-selling books.

I was sitting in Frank's living room the other day, (The Mothership Headquarters), and was helping him sort through postcards with my good friend Kelly. Without either of them knowing, I came across a postcard that made my heart stop.

I knew that Frank wouldn't consider it post-worthy. I knew that it would get stashed in his basement with all of the other postcards he's received, (1,000+ per week!)... So I stealthily slipped the postcard into my purse.

This secret deserves a chance to be aired... it deserves a chance to be read by Post Secret fans. I stole the postcard so that I could give it that chance... so that maybe, just maybe, its author might stumble across my blog and know that her secret was read and loved.

I've had a lot of friends. I've lost a lot of friends. But I never, NEVER forget happy memories. This postcard is for everyone who's left a mark on my life. Thanks for making me smile :)

Grandparents: Where else would you get money?

I think we should continue with the whole “family” theme and talk about two of the most insane people on earth: my grandparents… Jeanette Smith (formerly Jeanette Galvin): a foul-mouthed Catholic devotee who has ridden camels in Israel …and Paul Smith: by far the loudest most outspoken Irish New Yorker ever born.

The two love birds live in a quaint little house in New Jersey… and have lived in the town for 40+ years. They refuse to leave. And some of their children refuse to leave, (my mom thankfully escaped the vicious cycle), AND many of their children’s children refuse to leave! (I know you’re reading this Kitty… take the leap, take it!)

Yesterday in the mail I received four new religious charms from Grandma. You may be thinking… “Oh, that’s so sweet!” But no… it’s not sweet… not when you’ve received the blessed little trinkets multiple times a year for your entire life! I think that I’ve amassed enough crosses to be nominated for sainthood.

Every Christmas my stocking at Grandma’s house consists of the following… socks, a slinky, $$ (woohooo), travel lotion samples and religious paraphernalia. Over the years I have probably received about 15 rosaries, 25 religious charms, 25 holy cards and 1,684,329 bottles of Holy water.

When my Grandpa decided to splurge and buy a satellite TV for their little love nest, my Grandma was appalled to find that Papa had been watching some risqué porn channels. In response, Grandma made a little sign and hung it above Papa’s TV… “Would you watch this channel with Jesus?”

Papa… (A.K.A. Sunny, Yoda & Fuzzy)… grew up on butter and sugar sandwiches and will gladly recount to any willing listener his animated life story. A salesman through & through, Papa has massive skin cancer (that recently spread to his lungs)… but has the lowest cholesterol of any 84 year old man in the US… (despite a life-long diet of cake, cookies & donuts).

The sweetest, most inspirational thing about my Grandma is the way she raised her children. Even to this day, Grandma is so sweet and loving to her daughters, (a recent conversation with my mom: “Maryellen, you look so fat. What happened?”) She respects them so much and cherishes every gift they ever gave her… (She returns everything, EVERYTHING, and never holds back her opinion… “Why the hell did you buy me this? You actually thought I would like it?”)

The most memorable thing about Papa is his unique tendency to mispronounce everything… (ex. Maggiano’s is Manganeros, McLean is McLeeeen)… he also tends to add an “s” to everything… (ex. “Let’s go to Blockbusters!” or “Who wants waffles at the Diners?”)

Although they could be admitted for a number of reasons, my grandparents are truly fantastic people. They spoil their grandchildren to death and always remind us that we are perfect little miracles. Forever in their minds, I will always be the Princess. I still sign my letters to them with a tiara… all hail!

Andrew Leister: Hermano, Dude, Brohan Supreme

Let’s talk about my brother… Andrew Gerard Leister: born August 2, 1986 as the first grandchild on both sides of our family… (Basically: the pride and joy… the symbol of all that is perfect… he could probably still shit his pants and everyone would smile with glee).

NOW….As a senior at a prestigious university double-majoring in Math & Physics, Andrew is the 1st chair clarinet in his university band, the president of his music fraternity and a proud member of the international honors fraternity Phi Beta Kappa. He received a perfect score of 800 on the math section of both the SAT and the GRE and spent a recent summer building lasers and dissecting subatomic particles in an acclaimed laboratory.

Oh… and I forgot to mention… he got into YALE today! As if I wasn’t trailing behind his glistening halo enough… he goes ahead and gets accepted to one of the top Physics graduate schools in the country! As the website says: FML

Our oblivious parents have always tried to reassure me by saying… “Oh sweetie, don’t judge yourself next to your brother. You two are so different that it would be impossible to make a comparison!” While this may be true, I still harbor a serious case of “Younger Sibling Rivalry.” Everything he did, I tried to do better…

1) Tee-ball: We were 4 & 5. He played… I wanted in! (I was tired of running to the hot-dog stand and never getting service because I was too short to reach the counter)… So, mom signed me up. I got a nifty red uniform and baseball cap. My idiot coach put me in at the “pitchers mound” (even though it was tee-ball) and watched with the crowd as my two front teeth were knocked out by a fly ball. (Score: Andrew-1; Hilary-0)

2) Music: I started on the piano: quit after 1 year… my teacher was old and grumpy. Then I took a stab at the violin: quit after 3 years… it wasn’t cool to play in Middle School. I finally picked up the guitar: quit after 6 months… soccer took up too much time… But Andrew, the Sacred Prince & Genius: started clarinet at age 10… has been playing for 12 years… made every district, state, honors club fraternity whatever and even plays in the pit for his school musicals. (Score: Andrew-2; Hilary-0)

3) Parental Approval Rating: My parents despised my friends in 6th grade. They thought they were trouble because 3 of them came over one night and drank my mom’s 24-pack of Diet Coke. Not beer… Diet Coke! Mom & Dad always welcomed me into the room with a sneering … “Oh, hi Hilary”… but when Andrew walked in, it was… “Hey Dude! Are you hungry? How are you? Want some money?”… (Score: Andrew-3 +$$; Hilary-0)

So congratulations dear brother! I hope that you enjoy studying hard with your fellow laser-dissecting friends. I’m alright with your achievements as long as I can still live in your basement in 5 years. You’ll have invented a time machine… and I’ll be writing this blog. Love you dude!

An "Absolut" Nightmare: Shame Shame Shame

I woke up this morning with only one thought on my mind... "What-the-fuck!"

Last night was nothing short of a complete sloshfest. My friend Luna and I drove across the city to watch Teddy Graham's band rock out at The Blue & the Gold. In order to save some precious moola, Luna & I threw back a few vodka shots in my car prior to getting our party on inside of the $5 per drink venue. (Mistake #1: straight Absolut)

Those magical shots of happiness began to kick in pretty fast... but not fast enough to stop my from taking more & throwing away my $$... (Mistake #2: shots @ the bar)

As for the rest of the night... WWWWOOOOOWWWW. I vaguely remember some embarassing heart-2-hearts, a ton of dreadlocks, NO Uncle Mike :( ... & dirty ipod porn. (Mistake #3: Venting my grievances to the entire bar... including Teddy's mother)... (Mistake #4: This one I'm giving to Mike, for failing at life & neglecting to show up, BOOO!)

To sum up the rest of my horribly ridiculous evening:

Mistake #5: Not drinking water before bed.
Mistake#6: Leaving a CD at the bar for a band that I drunkenly promised to write a feature on for my school paper.
Mistake #7: Not carrying enough tampons... enough said.
Mistake #8: Taking a pretty fantastic walk-of-shame down River Road.
Mistake #9: Not bringing a fresh pair of clothes for my 10 AM class. I'm currently wearing the t-shirt I worked out in yesterday and smell like a goat.
Mistake #10: Accidently texting stories of my evening to my ex-boyfriend (Damn all you KE- people!)
Mistake #11: Posting this story on the web... (But seriously, would you rather read about my eccentric night-life or an art history paper that I wrote on a Giotto niche in Florence?... Yup, that's what I thought)

P.S. My mother's reaction to my exciting evening was slightly disturbing... "Oh my God Hills, you ARE my daughter!"

Facebook Notes: (a waste of time or pure sublime!?)

Recently I've been writing a lot of "Notes" on facebook... you know: those stupid chain letters that make you tell the world about your favorite color and life dreams. WELL... after hesitantly writing my first note, I was surprised to find that... "WOW, this is kind of fun!"

I've found that writing the notes actually makes you reflect on your life and forces you to define yourself in new ways. (Who knew that naming my favorite zoo animal would help to develop my self-identity?) I don't really care if anyone reads them... if they just sit their collecting dust in my online "Notes" file. I enjoy writing them... it's a great alternative to homework.

I recently saw a note that was pretty random, kinda stupid, but ridiculously entertaining at the same time... I wanted to share it with you all:

1.YOUR REAL NAME:
"Hilary Claire Leister"

2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and father's middle names)
"Smith Gerard"... (better not testify!)

3.STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
"Leihi"... (Princess Leia's evil-twin?)

4.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
"Pink Cow"... (sunburned & fat... great)

5.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
"Claire Stamford"... (sexy!)

6.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
"The Blue Silk"... (again... sexy!)

7.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
"Hier"... (p.s. what's a fly name?)

8.STREET NAME:(favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
"Cookie Dough Chocolate Chip" ... (huh?)

9.PORN NAME: (1st pet's name, street you grew up on)
"Mickey Holly Leaf"... (niiiiice!)

10.YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of last name plus -izzle)
"Lei-izzle"... (uhh...no... my gangsta name is & forever will be "Lil' Hills")

11.YOUR LORD OF THE RINGS NAME:(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first 2 letters of your middle name, last 2 letters of your first name then last 3 letters of your last name):
"Eiclryter"... (pronunciation: "i-kul-ri-ter"... i hear a "writer" in there HAHA)

If you are feeling bored with life and are possibly intrigued by this entertaining charade... please feel free to try it yourself & share your alter-egos with the World Wide Web... Enjoy :)

High School Musical 3: "I Want It All"

Instead of writing a 1200 word paper about journalistic professionalism for Contemporary Media, I am sitting here in the school's underground computer lab: playing online and stuffing my face with Swedish fish and chocolate-covered pretzels.

ANYWAYS...Today's topic of discussion: High School Musical...(quite possibly the greatest Disney phenomenon ever created!)... The happy-go-lucky trilogy follows the lives of Troy (played by the gorgeous Zac Efron), Gabriella (attempted by the slutty Vanessa Hudgens), Chad (the newly-bearded Corbin Bleu), Taylor (the 27-year old Monique Coleman), Ryan (the adorable Lucas Grabeel), and Sharpay (the newly-nosed Ashley Tisdale)

I got a lovely voice-mail from my mother today during lunch... "Oh Hilllsseeyyy, I bought you a present today... BYE!"... Seriously? The woman sure knows how to leave a cliff hanger! So of course, I immediately call her back. After several minutes of badgering, she finally tells me that she purchased a copy of High School Musical 3... out TODAY on DVD!... (Mom kicks ass... especially since I only saw it 3 times in theaters :)

High School Musical 1, 2 & 3 are all filled with beautiful people, memorable songs and magical moments that only Disney could pull off. (Seriously... how could Troy drive from Albuquerque, NM to Stanford, CA on prom night just to jump out of a tree and listen to Vanessa call him a "Wildcat"... And yes, I mapquested the drive: 16 freaking hours!)

Zac Efron's sparkling blue eyes, Ashley Tisdale's sassy attitude and East High's incredible dance numbers are what give the movies their top-of-the-chart ratings. Listening to the songs on the 3 amazing soundtracks is like being thrown into a theatrical world of smiles, best friends and sequins!

The characters' teenage love affairs are so pure, so innocent, so unbelievably unreal that young viewers may be left with unrealistic expectations of life... (ex. Zac Efron bringing a midnight picnic of margarita pizza & chocolate-covered strawberries to Vanessa's bedroom... without so much as a kiss!?)... Although: The wholesome humor of first-love, a major theme in the movies, shows tweens that they can embrace their crushes without pulling a Jamie Lynn Spears.

If you haven't seen these amazing films, I highly recommend pushing them to the top of your Netflicks queue. If you're not a big musical fan but enjoy staring at Zac Efron's body, rent the 3rd movie and continuously play the first scene... over & over & over & over... (preview: Zac's upper body... hot and sweaty... breathing hard... all over the screen... WOW)

The Cereal Chronicles

There are few things in life more pleasurable than eating a large bowl of delicious milk-covered cereal. Crunch, Crunch, Crunch!

Pouring those little pieces of carby goodness into your favorite/lucky bowl is like looking at Anne Geddes baby photos and getting kissed by cuddly puppies... it's pure crispy comfort :)

The breakfast aisle is by far the most colorful & intriguing location in every neighborhood grocery store. The multiple rows of encyclopedia-sized boxes provide a plethora of tempting options: Post or Kellogg? Marshmallows or sweet clusters? Sugar-coated or loaded with dehydrated fruit?

Here is my amazing top 10 list of "The World's Tastiest Cereals"... Feel free to share with me your own personal favorites because I'm always looking for new reasons to love breakfast...

1) Honey Bunches of Oats: Flaky clusters of satisfying sweetness. The marketing slogan is true: "One spoonful is all it takes!"
2) Honey Nut Cheerios: Those little o's are like little donuts: glazed and sugar-coated. The perfect semi-healthy snack.
3) Peanut Butter Puffins: A more nutritious, natural and better version of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch.
4) Berry Berry Kix: I haven't eaten these in years, but their round crunchy texture and perfect sweetness are incredible.
5) Honey Graham Oh's: With a hint of coconut flavor, these little guys are perfect for fruit and honey lovers... a sweet-tooth delight.
6) Corn Pops: Previously known as "Sugar Pops," these ovular bites are enjoyable both crispy and soggy. Gotta have my pops!
7) Cinnamon Toast Crunch: A diabetic's worst nightmare... & the best option if you're seeking an immediate sugar rush.
8) Grape Nut Flakes: Regular Grape-Nuts are gross, but these little morsels have a light, grainy texture that makes them melt in your mouth.
9) Golden Grahams: Sweet-Baked-Honeylicious Pleasures... (Have you noticed my obvious obsession for honey?)
10) Life: Mikey was so right... Life is amazing! (Try the cinnamon variety)... It tastes best after soaking in milk for about 3 minutes.

The secret to making the perfect bowl of cereal: Don't use skim milk! It's basically white water and takes away from the experience. If you're health conscious, try soy milk... it's rich & creamy!

Tell Her About It... (Give her every reason to accept that you're for real)

Yesterday was Valentines Day: the Hallmark holiday of candy, flowers and romantic gestures. It is a chance for the male sex to woo their female partners by showering them with gifts of love.

Now according to my mother… “The only men who celebrate Valentines Day are the ones who sleep with their girlfriends on February 13th and make it up to their clueless wives with stupid presents on the 14th”…cynicism? I think so…

A delivery man rang our doorbell yesterday holding a huge bouquet of flowers. (At this time… it would be important to note that the men in my family don’t have a single romantic bone in their body. Instead of dispersing the love, all of the romantic genes somehow got passed on to me… life sucks). When the man was walking up our front walkway, my mother was squealing with delight… (Like I said, the Leister women don’t see a lot of love)… she opened the door with a beaming smile on her face…

“Oh my God, I can’t believe my husband sent me flowers. This is so unlike him, oh I’m so happy!”… And then the delivery man made a most uncomfortable facial gesture… “Oh…uhh… sorry ma’am, but I think I rang the wrong doorbell… my apologies”… thus ending my mother’s excitement and ruining her Valentines Day.

Ladies…despite telling yourself that Valentines Day is a stupid holiday invented by executives at Russell Stover and KY Brand, you can’t deny that romantic gestures from your man can double, no, triple his attractiveness!

John and Stasi Eldredge said it best in their novel “Captivating” about unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul… “Every girl holds in her heart her most precious dreams: 1) She longs to be swept up into a romance 2) She longs to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure 3) She longs to be the Beauty of a story”…

Here’s a lesson boys: Despite what some women say, we really do dream about being romanced. We want to be needed, to be irreplaceable, to be captivating. We want to be swept off our feet… Ergo: Get those creative juices flowing! What would you do for your lady if you wanted to make her feel loved? Think about how beautiful she’ll feel. Think about what will happen afterward ;)

The most romantic thing anyone ever did for me was sophomore year of high school… I was 16 years old. A boy that I had been talking to for weeks decided that he was going to try and “make us official.” He secretly came over to my house, (after strategizing with my parents), and lit votive candles all over my front porch. He rang the doorbell and handed me a dozen light-pink roses. I can't remember what we said to one another. I was speechless and completely caught up in the moment. But it was one amazing night that I will never forget.

Men… do something for your woman that will make her want to remember that moment, (and you), her entire life. Trust me on this… you won’t be sorry ;)

In Celebration of Valentine's Day...

My mom handed me the Washington Post Metro section today... "Hills, oh my god, you HAVE to read this column. It's right up your alley!" The column, written by John Kelly, told one of the best love stories I've ever heard. Definitely in the same league as The Notebook. Because Saturday is Valentine's Day, (and because I am a sap for love stories), I wanted to share it with you...

(The link option wouldn't work... Ergo: Copy & Paste the address)

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/11/AR2009021103993.html

Avenue Q Review

For those of you who don't know... I am a HUGE fan of musicals! Like any good critic, I am very particular about which ones I like: (ex. Wicked really didn't do it for me. The music was superb, but the show was pretty weak)... Some of my favorites are West Side Story, Hairspray, Mamma Mia, Footloose, Grease and the High School Musical trilogy.

Last night at the Warner Theater I saw a unique musical that has taken Mamma Mia's #1 spot on my list of "Best Musicals of All Time!" Avenue Q was absolutely the most fantastic show I've ever seen. Here is the review that I wrote for my school paper...

A stereotypical Broadway musical features glittery characters dancing across a stage while singing about life and flashing unnaturally happy facial expressions.

Avenue Q is NOT your typical Broadway musical. The three-time Tony winning play tells the story of Princeton, a recent college-grad who moves to New York City with nothing but a BA in English and a strong desire to find his purpose in life. Directed by Jason Moore, Avenue Q uses both human actors and muppets, (designed by Rick Lyon), that perform using a backdrop almost identical to the set of Sesame Street.

The best word to describe Avenue Q is “hysterical.” Despite its small cast and simple stage design, the musical’s crude humor and hilarious songs blow the rest of Broadway out of the water. Avenue Q shines because of its fearless approach to taboo subjects like race, sex, internet porn and homosexuality.

Each of the show’s characters brings his or her individual personality to the stage to create an all-star cast of muppets and humans. Furry characters like Trekkie Monster, (a perverted porn addict), and Kate Monster, (a kindergarten assistant who is desperate for a boyfriend), have entertaining and relatable problems that will make you forget their fabric skin and lack of legs.

Some of the show’s stand-out characters are Christmas Eve, (a feisty Japanese human trying to succeed as a therapist), Lucy the Slut, (a seductive cabaret muppet), and the Bad Idea Bears, (muppets that encourage money wasting, binge drinking and suicide). The characters’ bizarre idiosyncrasies and hilarious lines help create a show that could easily compete with the comedy of Dane Cook, SNL and South Park.

The highlight of Avenue Q is not its memorable characters or its eccentric themes but its musical numbers that make you drop your jaw, laugh out loud and nearly pee your pants. Two of the show’s best tunes are Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist, (which makes you ask… “Are they really singing that!?”), and The Internet Is for Porn, (a bit coarse but ridiculously amusing).

Some of Avenue Q’s creative songs poke fun at commitment, awkward relationships and other love-related topics that are not often talked about in public. Mix Tape, sung by Kate Monster, features her reading songs off of a cassette while figuring out if the gift’s giver, Princeton, wants to be her lover or her friend…

“Sometimes when someone has a crush on you, They'll make you a mix tape to give you a clue. Let's see..."You've Got a Friend" "The Theme from 'Friends'" "That's what Friends are for"… Shit!”

By offering two hours of non-stop comedic entertainment, Avenue Q is a must-see for college students. Most parents would enjoy the show as well, but the questionable content may be inappropriate for children under 13. Playing at the Warner Theater through February 15, Avenue Q will leave you running to the merchandise stand singing the songs from its unforgettable soundtrack.

Post Secret Adventures

I am proud to announce that I can cross one more item off my list of "Things to do before I die."

On the morning of February 8, 2009, I sat down in front of my crappy IBM ThinkPad with a hot cup of coffee & logged on to the amazing Post Secret blog... my favorite Sunday ritual. Every Sunday morning, Frank Warren (the author of Post Secret) selects 20 out of thousands of post-cards to share with the public. The post-cards Frank receives throughout the week contain his contributor's most intimate secrets. Only the best, juiciest, most interesting secrets land a spot on his Sunday blog.

I was giggling to myself while scrolling down the post. I was enjoying the week's secrets about irritable bowels, hideous wedding dresses and ugly lingerie. It was like any typical Sunday morning... until I saw it. I started choking on my coffee and almost fell out of my cozy spinny-chair. My post-card... MY POST-CARD... that I had made from scratch and mailed into Frank 5 days before... was staring back at me from the center of the nation's 10th most popular blog!

I was alone in the house and therefore felt no shame in screaming... "AHHHH, Holy Shit, I'm famous!" I called a bunch of friends, changed my facebook status and spent the rest of the morning basking in my profound accomplishment. Now here's the irony/coincidence in all of this: that very afternoon, I was starting my internship at Post Secret because of a kick-ass article I wrote about Frank's presentation @ GW University... It was fate!

When I walked into the Post Secret intern meeting that afternoon, I proudly announced to Frank and the other interns that MY post-card had made it on to the blog. Frank smiled and shook my hand, the other interns glared in jealousy and awe... it was spectacular :)

While sifting through hundreds of post-cards and sorting the secrets into piles: "Blog," "Book #5" and "Stash"... Frank showed me some of the email replies that he had received in response to my post-card. Needless to say, I was tickled pink. Where was my tiara? I felt like a princess!

As an official "insider" of the Post Secret phenomenon, I've learned which types of secrets- according to Frank- are most likely to be published on the blog or in the books. I'd like to share with you all some tips on how to create a post-worthy Post Secret post-card...

1) Make sure your secret is original: Don't send in a secret that you've seen published before on the blog or in the books. The more unique the better!
2) Verbose is toast (Don't make it too wordy): Frank knows that people get bored and have serious A.D.D. issues. You want your secret to be short, sweet & catchy.
3) Include some memorable images and artwork: Most secrets that get published are pleasing to the eye and creativity designed. Decorate your secret with colorful pictures, but whatever you do- DON'T use glitter! Frank hates glitter.
4) Risque is okay: In the Post Secret world, nude isn't rude. Do you have a sexual fantasy or a passionate memory? Just add a graphic and send it in!
5) Don't send in Copyrighted images: Frank's publishing company won't allow any post-cards featuring images that could get them sued. Famous paintings, magazine pictures and other copyrighted clips are capital N-Os.
6) Think inspirational: Frank loves to publish secrets that are hopeful and touch the heart. Happy endings are appealing to the Post Secret team. Send in secrets about your happiest moments, greatest accomplishments, success stories, etc.
7) Sneak famous people into your secrets: Do you dream about getting it on with Helen Keller or baking cookies with Harry Potter? Share your secret... because if it's bizarre... it'll be a star!

Visit the Post Secret blog every Sunday: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Mail your secrets to Frank and the Post Secret team:

Post Secret
13345 Copper Ridge Rd.
Germantown, Maryland 20874

Board Game Fever

The mature adult that I am…I had a “sleepover” with a “special friend” of mine last night. I brought over my pillow, wore pajamas and did what any young child would do at a slumber party…got fucking wasted!!... just kidding: I played some board games :)

Me and my “special friend,” (let’s call him Teddy Graham), played some serious rounds of Boggle, and I TOTALLY kicked his ass…. (when he wouldn’t let me win.) We also engaged in an intensely scientific round of Don’t Break The Ice. Pretending that we were my brother, (a mathematician and physicist), we careful calculated the angles and masses of the various blocks to see which ones would least likely fall if we pelted them with our plastic hammers. Once again, I kicked Teddy’s ass... (when he laughed, after I lost.)

Below I have compiled 4 lists of board games: 1) My Top 10 Favorites, 2) Evokers of Childhood Nostalgia, 3) Games I’ve Never Played (and/or) Games I Despise, & 4) Ridiculous Monopoly Rip-offs…

My Top 10 Favorites:
1) Apples 2 Apples: (My favorite game of all time! Especially when played with wild & crazy friends/relatives. I recommend turning it into a drinking game.)
2) Scattergories: (Roll the coolest dice on the planet and don’t get distracted by the annoying time keeper. If played correctly- you will laugh your ass off)
3) Pit: (This old-school card game definitely does NOT get enough attention. It’s a combo of spoons/pig, go-fish and stock market trading… classic)
4) Catch Phrase: (Great game for larger groups, but don’t play with little kids. They’ll most likely get into fights and bite each other)
5) Clue: (Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the candle stick!!... enough said)
6) Kids on Stage: (A lesser-known but entertaining charade-like game that promotes creativity and imagination by forcing kids to act like random objects… like eggs, popsicles and scissors….. uhh?)
7) Guess Who: (An incredibly addictive but extremely sexist game. Out of 24 characters to choose from, only 2 are females… Some uber-feminist should sue Milton Bradley)
8) Candy Land: (This one earns 2 superlatives: 1) Happiest/Most Colorful game of all time 2) Game that causes the most sugar-cravings and cavities… True fact- I still have nightmares about Lord Licorice)
9) Life: (Timeless board game that always compels me to pour a bowl of cereal. It’s a definite winner… except for those stupid baby rattle pegs!
10) Sorry: (This wins the superlative for Coolest Game Pieces Ever! Some park in Philadelphia has giant life-size sculptures of them. I have pictures :)

Evokers of Childhood Nostalgia:
1) Operation: (I could never get those damn pieces out of that fat red-nosed naked man... good times)
2) Elefun: (Kind of the same concept as catching bubbles… but with butterfly nets & an elephant fan!)
3) Hungry Hungry Hippos: (Kind of loud and spastic… but good for kids with short attention spans)
4) Trouble: (Popping that dice in the middle of the board will never get old)
5) Mouse Trap: (Just like dominoes… hours of work for 5-10 seconds of ultimate creative perfection)
6) Crocodile Dentist: (No… this is not gator golf! It’s a game that inspired me to become a dentist… which I later decided was gross)
7) Chutes & Ladders: (That last chute was an absolute bi-otch! Square #98 sent you right down to Square #16…. But winning was so satisfying)
8) Race to the Roof: (Another lesser-known kids game worth checking out. It’s a mix between Chutes & Ladders and I-SPY)

Games I’ve Never Played (and/or) Games I Despise:
1) Risk: (I hate this game. It’s absolutely foolish…& I still hold a grudge against certain un-named individuals who never let me play with them…Grrrrrr)
2) Stratego: (Don’t understand it… Never played it… Don’t want to… HA)
3) Chess: (I’d love to learn, but have never been taught. It could significantly help to increase my nerd status)
4) Partini: (I think this is new. I’ve seen it places. It looks fun. Have you played it? Does it involve alcohol?)
5) Killer Bunnies: (Totally saw ads for this on Amazon.com. What sick dude came up with this idea? ... Probably the author of Bunny Suicides)
6) Jumanji: (OK… so I guess I don’t REALLY want to play Jumanji. Running around with Robin Williams would definitely get old… especially while being attacked by lions and giant spiders)

Ridiculous Monopoly Rip-offs:
1) John Deere Collector’s Monopoly: (I almost want to buy this just to laugh at it)
2) Grill-opoly: (What properties would you buy? “Heinz” House and “Frenchs” Fort?)
3) Ice Cream Monopoly: (Another game that would just make me hungry)
4) Bible-opoly: (Nothing against my Jesus… but seriously?! To be politically correct/religiously-inclusive, they better have a Torah-opoly out by 2010)
5) Canada-opoly: (Please admire the game’s maple-leaf board in the picture above... Stephen Harper must be proud)

Post #1: Who is this girl?

Post #1: HOW exciting :) ... I'm going to use this opportunity to share a little about myself...

1) My name is Hilary Claire Leister
2) I am a Print Journalism Major & Marketing Minor
3) My dream is to work at People Magazine (or a similar publication) writing feature articles and designing layouts
4) I fall a lot. If there's a loose brick within a mile radius, it will find me. (The picture above shows the result of a run-in with my bedroom door)
5) I am a junior in college (as of February 2009)
6) I'm like Monica on friends... I like things CLEAN and Categorized!
7) I love crossword puzzles, "chick" food, Harry Potter and arts & crafts projects
8) I am "relearning" how to play the guitar... I currently suck, but am determined to excel past the beginner stage.

9) I'm going to be blogging about crazy/exciting things that happen in my life, random questions/epiphanies that pop into my head, and anything else that is subtly amusing. Please share your thoughts and comments. Enjoy :)