Board Game Fever

The mature adult that I am…I had a “sleepover” with a “special friend” of mine last night. I brought over my pillow, wore pajamas and did what any young child would do at a slumber party…got fucking wasted!!... just kidding: I played some board games :)

Me and my “special friend,” (let’s call him Teddy Graham), played some serious rounds of Boggle, and I TOTALLY kicked his ass…. (when he wouldn’t let me win.) We also engaged in an intensely scientific round of Don’t Break The Ice. Pretending that we were my brother, (a mathematician and physicist), we careful calculated the angles and masses of the various blocks to see which ones would least likely fall if we pelted them with our plastic hammers. Once again, I kicked Teddy’s ass... (when he laughed, after I lost.)

Below I have compiled 4 lists of board games: 1) My Top 10 Favorites, 2) Evokers of Childhood Nostalgia, 3) Games I’ve Never Played (and/or) Games I Despise, & 4) Ridiculous Monopoly Rip-offs…

My Top 10 Favorites:
1) Apples 2 Apples: (My favorite game of all time! Especially when played with wild & crazy friends/relatives. I recommend turning it into a drinking game.)
2) Scattergories: (Roll the coolest dice on the planet and don’t get distracted by the annoying time keeper. If played correctly- you will laugh your ass off)
3) Pit: (This old-school card game definitely does NOT get enough attention. It’s a combo of spoons/pig, go-fish and stock market trading… classic)
4) Catch Phrase: (Great game for larger groups, but don’t play with little kids. They’ll most likely get into fights and bite each other)
5) Clue: (Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the candle stick!!... enough said)
6) Kids on Stage: (A lesser-known but entertaining charade-like game that promotes creativity and imagination by forcing kids to act like random objects… like eggs, popsicles and scissors….. uhh?)
7) Guess Who: (An incredibly addictive but extremely sexist game. Out of 24 characters to choose from, only 2 are females… Some uber-feminist should sue Milton Bradley)
8) Candy Land: (This one earns 2 superlatives: 1) Happiest/Most Colorful game of all time 2) Game that causes the most sugar-cravings and cavities… True fact- I still have nightmares about Lord Licorice)
9) Life: (Timeless board game that always compels me to pour a bowl of cereal. It’s a definite winner… except for those stupid baby rattle pegs!
10) Sorry: (This wins the superlative for Coolest Game Pieces Ever! Some park in Philadelphia has giant life-size sculptures of them. I have pictures :)

Evokers of Childhood Nostalgia:
1) Operation: (I could never get those damn pieces out of that fat red-nosed naked man... good times)
2) Elefun: (Kind of the same concept as catching bubbles… but with butterfly nets & an elephant fan!)
3) Hungry Hungry Hippos: (Kind of loud and spastic… but good for kids with short attention spans)
4) Trouble: (Popping that dice in the middle of the board will never get old)
5) Mouse Trap: (Just like dominoes… hours of work for 5-10 seconds of ultimate creative perfection)
6) Crocodile Dentist: (No… this is not gator golf! It’s a game that inspired me to become a dentist… which I later decided was gross)
7) Chutes & Ladders: (That last chute was an absolute bi-otch! Square #98 sent you right down to Square #16…. But winning was so satisfying)
8) Race to the Roof: (Another lesser-known kids game worth checking out. It’s a mix between Chutes & Ladders and I-SPY)

Games I’ve Never Played (and/or) Games I Despise:
1) Risk: (I hate this game. It’s absolutely foolish…& I still hold a grudge against certain un-named individuals who never let me play with them…Grrrrrr)
2) Stratego: (Don’t understand it… Never played it… Don’t want to… HA)
3) Chess: (I’d love to learn, but have never been taught. It could significantly help to increase my nerd status)
4) Partini: (I think this is new. I’ve seen it places. It looks fun. Have you played it? Does it involve alcohol?)
5) Killer Bunnies: (Totally saw ads for this on Amazon.com. What sick dude came up with this idea? ... Probably the author of Bunny Suicides)
6) Jumanji: (OK… so I guess I don’t REALLY want to play Jumanji. Running around with Robin Williams would definitely get old… especially while being attacked by lions and giant spiders)

Ridiculous Monopoly Rip-offs:
1) John Deere Collector’s Monopoly: (I almost want to buy this just to laugh at it)
2) Grill-opoly: (What properties would you buy? “Heinz” House and “Frenchs” Fort?)
3) Ice Cream Monopoly: (Another game that would just make me hungry)
4) Bible-opoly: (Nothing against my Jesus… but seriously?! To be politically correct/religiously-inclusive, they better have a Torah-opoly out by 2010)
5) Canada-opoly: (Please admire the game’s maple-leaf board in the picture above... Stephen Harper must be proud)