Why Did God Create...?

I woke up this morning to an unpleasant surprise: I couldn’t breathe... Where the hell were my lungs? (inhale, exhale, oxygen, C02?)

I quickly remembered that the wonderful joy known as Spring had blossomed across our great city earlier this week. The sinuses of innocent victims are now being stuffed to excess with bountiful amounts of pollen: (aka- plant sperm). The makers of Claritin are rolling in profits and Flonase distributors are dining on lobster tails and fillet mignon.

But what about ME and the millions of Americans who are suffering because of uncontrollable allergies? Migraines, congestion, ache and fatigue are just a handful of symptoms that ail us… achoo! (sniff, sniff)

To “celebrate” the arrival of this glorious season, I have compiled a list of items that infuriate me on a daily basis. Why on earth did God create…

1) Mosquitoes: They carry diseases, swarm around our heads, suck our blood & make us itch and scratch till our skin falls off! Please do me a grand favor and kill as many of these vampire-like insects as you can.
2) Traffic: As an extremely anxious and antsy individual, almost nothing is worse than sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic with no escape from my little Honda Accord. Claustrophobia mixed with intense boredom = Hell!
3) Smooth Jazz: My dad WORSHIPS this genre of music. He blasts it through the house on a regular basis. Unfortunately… it makes me absolutely nauseous. Someone needs to destroy Kenny G’s saxophone.
4) Calories: Imagine how amazing it would be if we could eat whatever we wanted- ALL day EVERY day- and still maintain a size 2 frame. Some call it gluttony… I call it bliss! Why did God create such wonderful indulgences and then develop a society that shuns sugar-filled carbs?
5) Water Chestnuts: The most disgusting vegetable of all time. Their crunchy texture and bitter taste make them absolutely gag-worthy!
6) Hair: Who hasn’t had a bad hair day?... Also: leg hair… why would God want to torture us with the constant chore of shaving? We knick our ankles, suffer from razor burn and waste too much time making ourselves smooth… Why can’t we just naturally be smooth? WHY!?
7) High School: Some people think high school was the best four years of their life. You all should wake up and embrace the world outside of prison. High school is a place for hormonal teenagers to inappropriately express their emotions, experiment with estrogen & testosterone and make very poor life decisions. Basically… one GIANT social nightmare.
8) Menstrual Cycles: The woman’s curse is completely unnecessary... I would rather receive a daily shot than continue this ridiculous pattern of monthly disdain. A quick stab in the arm would be nothing next to cramps, moodiness and abstinence.
9) War: War is bad. It’s scary, traumatic and kills loved ones. Call me a hippy, but I am all for world peace!
10) Acne: You wake up one morning and look out your bedroom window. It’s a beautiful sun-filled Saturday in May. You will be spending lots of time that day with dozens of friends and relatives that you haven’t seen in ages. Everything seems to be going perfectly… until you look in the mirror and see the giant boulder in the middle of your forehead... FML