"Destiny"

I was helping out my Mom this morning by washing the heaping pile of dishes in our kitchen sink. She was standing several feet away getting an early start on dinner… (She was making her signature Italian specialty: eggplant parmesan… deeelicious!)

We weren’t really talking… just minding our own business and concentrating on our tasks at hand. Completely out of the blue, she decides to ask me a question…

Mom: “Hey Hills, do you believe in destiny?”…. (Long awkward pause)

Me: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Mom: “You know… fate, the Lord’s plan, our ultimate goals and dreams.”

Me: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Mom: “Like in Slumdog Millionaire… how the boy keeps telling the girl that she is his one and only destiny!”

Me: “Did I do something wrong?”

Mom: “How some things are just meant to be… How life throws you obstacles that eventually turn into the most wondering, enriching experiences.”

Me: “Are you divorcing Dad?”

Mom: “Oh destiny, sweet destiny… Hey, let’s go see a movie!!”

Me: “Umm… okay??… I sort of have homework but...”

Mom: “GREAT! Get your coat… Girls Day woohoo!”

We then left the house… thus ending the whole “destiny” conversation. What do you think was the “destiny” of Mom’s little outburst? Is she divorcing my Dad? Is she reading my diary? Was she drunk at 11:00 am!?

Whatever the case… she’s absolutely nuts! I finally told her that I’ve started writing a book… “What I’ve Learned From My Mother: The Wisdom, Advice and Outbursts of Maryellen Leister”... if any of you have other title ideas, (or have experienced the wisdom of my mother), you are more than welcome to contribute!

Childhood Indulgences

Someone very “wise” once told me that I was struggling with “unfinished business” from my childhood and was holding onto the past which was preventing me from fully embracing the incredible joys of independent adulthood.

WELL, “sage of wisdom,” while you are usually full of bull-shit…you’re right about this one… I am TOTALLY rebelling against becoming a grown-up... and I really must ask: why wouldn’t I rebel? … My childhood was flat-out awesome…and my current situation is pretty damn sweet!

Kids around America are growing up WAY too fast these days. What’s with all the rush to drop out of school, get pregnant at 15 and end up with piles of bills and no career opportunities? Personally: if my parental units are willing to hold my hand & pay my health insurance… I’m going to cherish that offer like my life depended on it! (Literally)

For all of you readers who are also young-at-heart, I have compiled a list of childhood pleasures & indulgences that you are still fully-entitled to enjoy after flying from the nest and claiming your independence…

1) Sleepovers: Back then… hyperactive kids (all of the same gender) in princess/action figure pajamas pigging-out on junk-food and playing truth-or-dare until sunrise. Now… drunken and/or horny individuals wearing the same outfit they wore that day (or nothing) while drowning the keg and playing beer-pong until they can no longer see the cups.
2) Sugary Cereals: I am pretty sure that THE Andrew Gerard Leister, (physics genius and math extraordinaire), eats Cap’n Crunch Berries, Honeycomb or Pop-tarts almost every morning for breakfast. If he can eat little balls of artificially-flavored sugar and still pull off a 4.0 GPA, anyone can!
3) Goodie Bags: Admit it… these joyful tokens of greatness were the only reason you ever went to the ugly, annoying & obnoxious kids’ birthday parties. Who says that you still can’t enjoy them!?... Instead of bouncy balls, lollipops and stickers... Offer your guests (or beg your hostess for) aromatic candles, cute picture frames, homemade baked-goods or mini-cocktail mixers!
4) Valentines: Handing out Valentines in your 20s is SO much better than handing them out in grade school… Why? Because you can actually pick and choose who you want to give them to! There is no longer a “school rule” that you have to make one for every single classmate, (even the kids you never talked to). Example: My friend Trey decked out some awesome Valentines this year… elegant and sophisticated on high-quality stationary… (Keep the cartoon characters to a minimum people)… now go make someone’s day!
5) 90’s pop music: N’sync, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, S Club 7, Ricky Martin, Hanson... etc. etc. the list goes on… Here’s the secret: What people can’t hear, can’t hurt ‘em!! Just plug in those headphones and listen to any damn song you want… Does “Mmbop” really get you moving during a hard workout? Blast that fucker! Who has to know?

The Lovely Insights of Maryellen

Just moments ago I had an interesting conversation with my mother. No, interesting is not the right word… I’ll just say this: Our little chat was unusual, inappropriate, disturbing, TMI and somewhat scarring.

Don’t get me wrong… It’s not like dear old Mommy hasn’t scarred me before with her “kind” and “loving” words. This time was just more of a… “shoot me now” situation.

The dialogue went something like this…

Me: “Oh Momsical (sob sob)… I hate my life, College is so hard, I’m so fat, People are mean, HUG me KISS me LOVE me MOM!!” etc. etc.

Mom: “Oh Hilsey… you’re just targeting your emotions in the wrong direction. What’s really bothering you? Blah, Blah, Blah...” etc. etc.

Me: “Oh Moooomsey, you’re so wise. How are you so perfect in every way?” (sob sob)

Mom: “STOP WIPING YOUR SNOT ON MY SHIRT!!”

Me: “Oh, sorry Mama. I’m just such a mess. I have no control over anything in my life!” (sob sob)

Mom: “YOU’RE TOUCHING ME!!... (I back off)… Thank you. Now darling, let me give you a little lesson in controlling your surroundings. I will use your father as an example.”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “When I first met your father about 25 years ago, he was a NERD. His furniture was tacky. Every piece of clothing in his wardrobe was brown. I knew that some tweaking had to be done.”

Me: “Mom! You are a horrible influence. I would NEVER try to change someone like that! How is this even related to our conversation?”

Mom: “I wasn’t trying to change him sweet daughter… I was just, you know, Spring Cleaning (HeHeHe)... Now, one day I was vacuuming his apartment and “accidentally” knocked over his dice lamp… (HeHeHe)… & thank goodness the next day was garbage day, because I was able to throw out that piece of crap… as well as half his horrible wardrobe! (HeHeHe)”

Me: “MOM! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!”

Mom: “It was easy dear. I just took him shopping the next day and made him try on this stylish white shirt that looked absolutely gorgeous on him. I told him how sexy it made him look and how much it just made me want to RIP his clothes off.... He bought four of them!”

Me: “AAAAAAHHHHHH…. TMI, TMI, TMI…”

And then Dad walked into the room… wearing a white shirt. I don’t think that I'll be able to look at either one of them for several weeks. If anyone wants to let me bum on their couch, please let me know. I appreciate all of your sympathies.

-One Highly Disturbed Hilary

Miss America: My new BFF

Last night was pretty normal…pretty low-key. I basically just chilled out and had a heart-to-heart with MISS AMERICA!!

The beautiful Kirsten Haglund, crowned Miss America on January 26, 2008, came to my school last night to speak about her personal struggle with anorexia in light of Eating Disorder Awareness Week: February 22-28.

Me and two buddies sat and listened to Kirsten’s story for about an hour and were educated about the dangers and health risks that eating disorders can cause. Did you know that 1 in 5 U.S. women suffer from some sort of eating disorder? Were you aware that 10% of all eating disordered patients are male?

Incredibly poised and cute as a button, Kirsten entertained students and faculty talking about her passion for ballet, her new-found appreciation for food and her rocky but successful path to recovery.

I can only recall one major “blonde” moment during her presentation… While describing the Miss America pageant, Kirsten said that the other contestants were “way more prepareder than [she] was”… (Kirsten, you’re so silly!)

After her presentation, “VIP” audience members with “VIP” tickets were invited to attend an “after party” where they could speak with Kirsten personally and enjoy free snacks and beverages. (The cheese cubes were $)… When Kirsten walked through the door, I immediately grabbed her attention… (I’m quite assertive)…and dove into a deep conversation with her about her recovery from anorexia and her amazing reign as Miss America. Major plus: She totally laughed at my jokes… what a winner!

Me and Kirsten… we’re pretty tight. We chatted and gossiped about all of her celebrity friends, (She’s buddy-buddy with Karina Smirnoff), and all of the famous people she met in 2008… (George W. Bush, Marcia Cross, Colin Firth, the JONAS BROTHERS!!)

Now that I’m officially jealous of my new BFF and have developed a profound respect for tiaras, I am proud to announce that I, Hilary Leister, will be running for Miss America in 2010.

No time to waste guys… I have to go work on my talent (wiggling my nostrils) and take some notes on Sandra Bullock’s s Miss Congeniality pageant wave… “All I want is World Peace!!”

Great Show: Awkward Interview

Last night I went to review an amazing show for my school paper called "A Bronx Tale," an entertaining Broadway play starring one man, Chazz Palminteri, who recounts his experiences growing up in gangster-ridden New York City as an Italian in the 1960s.

The show combines hysterical one-liners with serious motifs such as love, wisdom, loyalty and integrity. Palminteri captivates viewers with his animated portrayals of his childhood friends and gangster role models.

But enough about the play... let's talk about my pre-show experience: I left for the theater a little early because of my "occasional" tendency to get lost while driving through the city... OK, fine... I get lost everywhere! (I personally blame the retards at Mapquest)

Anyways... I had a bit of time to kill so I planted my tooshie in a cozy booth at a food court across the street from the theater. I bought myself a drink, broke out some homework and hit the books!

Approximately ten feet away from my booth sat a nerdy-looking man and an unattractive woman. I couldn't help but to eavesdrop on their conversation because of the man's uncomfortably high voice. They were both dressed in fancy work clothes and the woman was clearly in control of the conversation. After hearing the woman ask the man what his weaknesses were, I knew that I was spying on a very awkward yet seriously entertaining interview.

The poor guy's leg was shaking & he had no idea how to respond when the woman asked him..."How would your best friends describe you?" In response to his shyness, the woman was VERY talkative... and extremely boring. I laughed watching the guy fake an interested smile as the woman described every one of her mother's favorite recipes... (1- wtf?... 2- How the hell is that related to work?)

The man continued to nod his head and ungracefully laugh as the woman talked about her weekly drunken escapades around the city... (it was all very professional)... She went on to tell the dude about her bike ride last weekend, her sick grandma in Philadelphia and her bitchy roommate that ate all her low-fat Wheat Thins yesterday.

The entire situation made me realize that if an idiot like that could hold a job in this economy... I surely will have no problem getting hired after graduation! So morons: I beg you to keep on doing what you do best. Keep on making stupid comments so that newbies like me can steal your jobs in the near future... thanks much :)

Pick-Me-Up Buttercup!

I spilled my coffee/cocoa this morning all over my puffy white jacket. I then walked over to the gym to build-up some endorphins and got stuck with the crappy corner treadmill. Post-workout, I decided to go down and eat some lunch in the school cafeteria… I am now experiencing a massive stomach ache.

It is definitely, DEFINITELY not the worst day of my life… but clearly, it could be better. Sometimes it’s just the little nit-picky weekday downers that put a damper on my overall mood. In order to prevent these disappointments from ruining my day, I turn to the following pick-me-ups to keep me sane, focused, perky and motivated…

1) Retail Therapy: Whether I’m recklessly swiping the parental’s credit card or simply browsing through a store… shopping-shopping-shopping is an amazing mood-lifter! Reading Hallmark cards, trying on sexy lingerie, buying a new pair of shoes or even purchasing new shampoo are all perfect ways to find your smile again :)
2) Fmylife.com: You think YOU’RE having a bad day? Check out this hysterical website where visitors are invited to vent about their horrible, embarrassing and unlucky encounters. You’ll log-off feeling incredibly grateful that your life sucks less than that other guy.
3) Routine Endorphisizing: (AKA- jogging)… Scientists aren’t lying to you. Regular exercise really does help to eliminate sadness, anger, frustration and any other unwanted emotions. Blast your iPod while running down the street, working the elliptical and pumping iron. You’ll get your blood flowing and tighten your sexy buns!
4) Self-service candy counters: My school’s on-campus mini-mart offers a top-notch variety of goodies located along its “Help Yourself” wall. Just grab a plastic bag and stuff it chock-full of whatever tasty treats you’re craving. My favorites: chocolate-covered pretzels, Swedish fish, Sweet-caramel trail mix and dried pineapple. (Sure, you might feel gross after stuffing your face… but the sugar-high is fantastic!)
5) Writing “Life’s A Musical” blog posts: Awwwwwwww… (Yup, I said it!) I truly look forward to creatively forming these delightful posts for your enjoyment. Keep on reading… & please feel free to share with me your own mood-lifting strategies!

My Wish List

Even though I occasionally make superficial judgments, (mostly through sarcastic comments), I can confidently say that I am NOT a materialistic lady.

However... I can't deny the unfortunate fact that I live in a town overflowing with silk, suede & leather. Adjacent to my "inner-frugality" is an annoying little reflex brought on by environmental pressure. That irritating nugget likes to subtly whisper in my ear... "Buy, Buy, Buy!"

Ergo: I'm going to let the lion out of its cage for five minutes and share with you my wish list... a selfish assemblage of items that my little nugget has been asking for lately. If you so desire to grant any of my wonderful wishes, I'm afraid that I would not be able to reject your kindness :)

*Extreme Wish List: (AKA- In My Dreams!)

1) An internship at People Magazine with a guaranteed job offer after graduation: If any of you could land this position for me, I would happily be your faithful servant for all eternity.
2) My own apartment in the city: I'm not asking for a freaking penthouse... but something with a balcony would be nice :)... You could also throw in a Pottery Barn giftcard... (Target would also suffice)
3) A trip to Disney World with private reservations in the Cinderella Castle suite: This isn't just a wish, it's a life-long dream! (p.s. an internship at Disney would be pretty nice... contacts? anyone?)
4) The new MacBook Air: My current IBM Thinkpad is going to kick the bucket any day. This new Mac has an integrated graphics processor and multi-touch technology. It only weighs three pounds and is constructed with sturdy anodized aluminum.

*Realistic Wish List: (Your perfect opportunity to make my day!)

1) The electronic journal from "Read it and Weep": This movie's main character had the coolest high-tech journal I've ever seen. I've been unsuccessfully searching for it since seeing the movie early last year. Find this for me and you'll receive an obnoxiously enormous IOU!
2) Prince Caspian on DVD: Hot actors, cute story, I want it! Looking for an easy way to make it on my "good" list? Buy me some Narnia... yeah Aslan!
3) A professional journalistic recorder: A crucial reporting tool that I have been too lazy/busy to purchase. Honestly, it's more of a need than a want. Help me out and boost my career :)
4) Strawberry Delights: (see picture) This candy has literally gone extinct. Once in a blue moon I will find them stashed in a restaurant's mint dish or hidden on the back shelves of CVS. Their sweet fruity flavor is absolutely amazing. Just like Lucky Charms... they are "magically delicious!"

Thank you faithful readers, and happy shopping!